Should I Marry Again?

A subscriber of our blog sent me this comment and question:

Brother, Thank you for writing article that contains good advices.  I agree that we should follow the will of God because He is the founder of marriage.

“‘Til death do us part”. I really agree with that.

But friend, we are human and we are not perfect. Life is like a race and there would winners and there would be losers too.

My question is: If your partner in life (wife) has engaged with extra-marital affair  and you forgive her many times for the sake of the children, but still she couldn’t change. Should you leave her and marry again?

I don’t know if what he told us on this email is based on his experience or is he just making a scenario just to hear our thoughts about the problem. But whatever is true, here’s my thought about it:

Be Truthful

My wife and I had agreed a lot of things even before we get married. And one of our agreements is that we should be truthful to each other. Being truthful doesn’t mean that we should devout our selves to each other.

When we say truthful, it means that we should tell each other what we feel and what we think about our relationship. If one of us felt that he or she need to stop the relationship because his or her love is already with the third party, then he or she should tell his or her partner about this for them to decide whether to continue the relationship or to break it off.

In our 4 and 1/2 years (Today, December 24, 2008 is our relationship’s 5th year anniversary) of engaging with long distance relationship, we followed what we had agreed.

When I learned that my gf accepted new suitor, I immediately talked to her and told her that it was the right time to stop our relationship. I told her that what she did simply told me that she’s not already contented with our relationship and that sh’e already looking for someone other then me.

However, she told me that she’s sorry for what she did and that she’d never do that again. So, I forgave her and went on with our relationship.

Avoid the Entrance of the Third Party

Usually, a relationship breaks because of the third party. I meet lots of people and talk to them about their relationship and most of them agreed with that.

It might be true that the husband made a lot of failures in his life but this failures actually can’t break a marriage as long as each of the couple avoided the entrance of the third party into their relationship. Once the wife or the husband allowed the entrance of the third party into their relationship, then that will be the time that their marriage will start to be ruined.

Please read my article, “How to avoid the entrance of the third party into your relationship.”

The Third Party is IN Already?

Now, you already missed something and the third party is in your relationship already. So, what should you do?

Okay. You need to talk. If your wife is responsible in letting the third party in then ask her if she’s still interested to continue your relationship. If she really wants to go with the third party then let her be. Your family will suffer the misery that will be brought into by the relationship of your wife to the third party.

However, you need to tell her that your family really needs her as the mother of your children and as your wife. If you’ve done things that led her to what she’s in now, then you still have the chance to change, promised her that you’ll change, and show her that you are changing.

Should I Marry Again?

I know that you are Christian. So instead of directly answering this question with my thoughts, I rather share you the advice of Apostle Paul:

10 Now to the Married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband.

11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. (I Corinthians 7:10-11, New Kings James Version)

How Do We Manage Our Relationship?

I was earlier asked by a reader of my article, “How do I choose my lifetime partner,” whether my wife and I are already successful in bringing up our relationship. At first, I consider her question an insult because it is obvious that my wife and I are still in our early days of living together as married couple.

Remember that we got married only last June 20, 2008. And it was too early to say that we are already successful in bringing our relationship.

I knew that you knew that the success in marriage can be finally told on the death of one of the couple because that will be the time when our bond as husband and wife will expire. If one of us dies with our relationship intact then we can say, we are successful in bringing up our relationship. On the other hand, if one of us dies while our relationship still broken, so we failed.

How do we manage our relationship?

My wife and I have no secret on how do we manage our relationship. We are just following the advises of the Executive Minister of the Iglesia ni Cristo (Church of Christ) during the seminars that we both attended through the Minister of the Church who was tasked to give us the instructions before we finally get married.

(1) ‘Til Death Do Us Part

We are taught that we will remain husband and wife as long as we both live. One of us will be freed from that bond if one of us dies. Since we both believe that it is God who unite us into one flesh, so we also believe that we both have no right to break that bond and it’s God alone who has the power to do so. In other words, we have no right to look for another partner as long as both of us are still living. The contract is: ‘Til Death Do Us Part.

Because of this, every time we experience misunderstanding, we always tried to settle the problem for us to preserve our relationship and to avoid the entrance of someone or something that could ruin our relationship.

(2) Woman is Fragile

As husband, I was taught that woman is very fragile. She is compared to a jar. If I would not be careful, that jar would be broken and I would have the hard time forming it back to its original state.

So, I really tried my best to be patient in dealing with her. But since I am just a man and am not really a perfect one, so there were times that I hurt her with my words. However, I never went to sleep without settling any problems. Before we perform our devotional prayer to God, we first reconcile and forgive each other from the things that we did which caused trouble in our relationship.

(3) Respect to Each Other

My wife was taught to respect me as the head of the family. And she really tried her best to show her respect to me as her head by respecting all my decisions.

But of course, I also have to show my respect to her as my wife. Before deciding on what to do for our family, I consult her first because I know that my wife always has a better idea than me.

Our respect to each other can be shown not only on decision making and on the way we deal with each other, but it can also be shown during our sexual adventures.

It might be true that I am more sexually aggressive than my wife, but it doesn’t mean that I would just do the things that would give me pleasure. I should also show her how I value her by giving her the sexual pleasure that she also needs to feel and enjoy.

Finale

We’d done lot of things that would help us preserve our relationship. But I know that you also have good things to be shared to us. Please share your thoughts by replying this email, or by posting them at our comment section.

Unique Wedding Invitations

We’re currently suffering from the effects of the continuous increase of oil prices. Our previous daily budget is not enough already to finance our current daily spending. The same is true in my wedding budget.

Regarding the Wedding Invitation that we recently used, that was actually one of the result of my effort to save money because creating or ordering traditional wedding invitation is expensive. I just don’t want to spend more money for the invitation. Just like what I said on my previous post, “Wedding Invitation Wordings“, the design of the wedding invitation is based on what we (my wife now and I) had planned.

Unique Wedding Invitation

One of our visitors of this blog asked me ideas on how to create unique wedding invitation. I really want to help her but I just don’t have other ideas. I couldn’t suggest to create a wedding invitation that looks like a postcard because this kind of wedding invitation is already used by lots of couples including us, and I don’t consider it unique already.

My wife, by the way, explained to me that a wedding invitation even if designed in traditional way, if you’ll use native materials or other materials which are not used before can become unique as long as it looks different from the usual looks of wedding invitation. Now, if you consider this idea in designing your own wedding invitation, then you need to look around you, at your backyard, or in your farm and consider every materials you found… just make your talent in art works.

Thank you.

Wedding Invitation Wordings

Some of you might wonder why the design and wordings of our wedding invitation do not follow the wedding invitation etiquettes and proper wordings as what some experts in invitation-making are following. A visitor of our blog (Learn Lessons with SELaplana) reacted as she saw our wedding invitation and told me through her email that the said invitation is not a formal one and not proper for a wedding.

Well. Thank you so much for your concern.

We of course know the proper wordings for the (formal) wedding invitation. But we also believe that we can make our own rule in making and designing our own wedding invitation. The format or design, and the wordings on our wedding invitation might be considered as “not formal”, but we found it good than following the usual design and wordings.

Wedding Invitation Proper Wordings

I copied the sample wedding invitation wordings given by the Kasal.Com for the wedding that the groom and the bride are the hosts:

This day I will marry my friend,
The one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love
Michelle Perez
daughter of Atty. and Mrs. Eufemio Perez and
Michael Guerrero
son of
Mr. and Mrs. Agusto Guerrero

We hope that you will join
in this celebration of love
as we exchange our marriage vows
on Saturday, the twenty-fifth day of December the
year Two Thousand Four
at half past five o’clock in the afternoon
Sitio Victoria Garden
General Luna cor. Victoria Street
Intramuros, Manila
Reception follows at the same venue.

Here’s the things that should be considered in writing wedding invitations according to the experts in making and designing invitations:

  1. The names should be written in full including the middle name.
  2. Spell out all words when mentioning the time, the date and address.
  3. Use the spelling “honour” for the term “honor ” or “favour” for the term “favor” if ever you’ll use it in requesting their presence.

Our Own Wedding Invitation

To let you know, I was the one who designed our wedding invitation as shown below:

But this design is based on what we, my girlfriend and I, had planned. It’s like a post card, isn’t it? But it’s a kind of wedding invitation that people (who receive this) will try to keep along with their photos in their photo album. And another thing is, it’s a wedding invitation that promotes tourists spots (The St. Peter and St. Paul islands are seen in our background in that wedding invitation. These islands are few of the tourists destination in Hinunangan, Southern Leyte).

Incoming Visitors

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52 Tips for the Bride-To-Be

Whether you’re a traditional bride, a modern bride, or a downright outrageous bride, these tidbits and strategies will help you realize the wedding of your dreams. These 52 cards include tips on managing expectations, trimming the guest list, and balancing the budget. If used as directed, may help prevent jangly nerves and loss of humor.

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Related:

The Knot Ultimate Wedding Planner

Wedding Planner This practical companion to The Knot Complete Guide to Weddings in the Real World acts as a stand-alone guide to the nuts and bolts of planning a wedding. The Knot Ultimate Wedding Planner is where the bride and groom can record wedding ideas, create budget guidelines, check items off their to-do list, generate the guest list, store contact information for their wedding vendors, and get tips and advice on the best way to plan their big day.

Chapter by chapter, the planner walks the bridal couple through each major step: for example, choosing the reception site, picking a photographer, and deciding on a menu. Author Carley Roney and the editors of The Knot Web site have talked with both wedding professionals and hundreds of thousands of brides and grooms, and have a good idea of the necessary ingredients for a successful wedding. Most helpful and thorough are each chapter’s “Questions to Ask” checklists and the “Knot Knowledge” tips, which include money-saving ideas. The book also contains a gift log, a budget tracker, and a wedding-day phone contacts sheet.

Roney offers loads of helpful advice, such as recommending that the bride and groom declare “wedding free zones” where the couple makes time for activities together that have nothing to do with planning the wedding. Each chapter also includes her down-to-earth answers to commonly asked questions, such as whether it’s appropriate for a relative to host a shower or if the wedding couple should pay for guests’ travel expenses. With all of its tips, advice, and organizers, The Knot Ultimate Wedding Planner may just be, next to a wedding coordinator, the best way for modern couples to ensure their wedding is a smoothly run, stress-free affair. –Kris Law

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Dazzling Wedding

Dazzling Wedding bookWith more than 100,000 copies in print, 1,001 Ways to Save Money . . . and Still Have a Dazzling Wedding has helped thousands of couples just like you afford the wedding of their dreams!

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These creative money-saving hints, tips, and strategies cover such topics as:

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  • Invitations
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Elegant Wedding

Elegant Wedding Book Yes, weddings can be expensive, but is it really worth giving up your firstborn child so you can have tulips in September? When your wedding day arrives, you want to be able to enjoy this once-in-a-lifetime event and know that the ceremony and reception are not going to put you in hock for the next 10 years. In How to Have an Elegant Wedding for $5,000 or Less, authors Jan Wilson and Beth Wilson Hickman teach you how to budget and balance so you can have the wedding of your dreams without the headache of enormous bills.

Whether you choose to have a big or small, formal or informal wedding, the reception seems to clock in at approximately half of your budget. So, going with that figure, you need to evaluate and prioritize wedding clothes, flowers, the photographer, the cake, music, invitations, and the ceremony itself. Can you wear your mother’s wedding dress (with some alterations, of course)? Can you cut invitation costs by using black ink rather than a fancy foil? When you booked the band, did you read the fine print? (One bride found, the day before the wedding, that they had to provide a soundman and soundboard. Yikes!) “Weddings, like life itself,” say the authors, “are rarely predictable.” They suggest appointing one or two (two is better) close friends or family members (but not attendants) as coordinators. It will give the couple a trusted helper/point person during the planning process and take some stress off the day of the event.

How to Have an Elegant Wedding for $5,000 or Less encourages you to dream of your ideal day and then helps you to practically and economically make it happen. “Decide what is really important on your special day and make that a priority,” say the authors. “Know what is right for the two of you. Your wedding day should reflect that.” –Dana Van Nest

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Sex, Sexual Romance, Sexual Intercourse Questions: Answered – SELaplana

Got this email about sex. So our topic for this blogposts is not about Technology but Relationship. Anyway, it’s an interesting one so let’s give it a space.

I frequently visit the Yahoo! Answer to read answer about Pregnancy and Relationship. Yesterday, I finally found someone whose answers are best on questions related to sex, sexual intercourse and anatomy. And that’s you. …  I have several questions about sex, hope you’ll answer them for me… :

  1. What’s best, two or more rounds of intercourse or  just one?
  2. Is oral sex, the sign of guys of their love to the ladies?
  3. What should we (my bf and I) should do to enjoy sex? …

First, I want to thank you for admiring my answers at the Yahoo! Answers. But just want to make it clear that I am not yet married and I am not really good and not well experienced in sex, sexual romances and sexual intercourse. I admit that I experienced it already since my teens with my live-in partner, however my answers at the Yahoo! Answers are all based on what I read on books.

Since you asked me these questions, then I will try my best to answer them based on my experience and knowledge.

One round or More round of Sex Bout

I think, the best answer for this is: It depends on the couple on how they celebrate their sexual urges. However, if you’ll ask me what’s better for me, then I will say that it’s better to have one but long round than having more but short rounds.

What’s the difference between long rounds and short rounds?

Well. In long rounds, say for example one hour round, the woman here will be enjoying much compared to the shorter rounds.

How would the woman enjoy this long and tiring round?

Okay… Sex is really tiring, whatever length of the activity. It just happens that in a long sex, both of the partners will enjoy exploring each body before engaging intercourse which is considered as the finale.

Let’s not forget that male can ejaculate easily in just a short period of time, and the ejaculation marks the end of the sexual activity. While female can hardly reach orgasm.

In other words, male must consider that truth. He should do some ceremonies first to give time to the female partner to prepare herself, enjoy the pleasure of your touch, caress and kisses, and letting her reach the peak of the pleasure which everybody calls “Orgasm”.

If say for example, you did your sex activity in an hour, to enjoy it, you will consume the 50 minutes on touches, caresses, kisses, even oral sex, and then the remaining 10 minutes will be for the real intercourse.

Oral Sex, Sign of Love? 

I don’t think giving the ladies the so-called oral sex is the sign of love. Everybody can do that even if there is no love involve. And one thing, there are guys who love their ladies but don’t give such thing to them.

So, don’t think that because he loves you, he will do that for you. Don’t ever think that because he did that then he already loves you. Oral sex is just part of the sexual activity.

BF and GF, Enjoy Sex?

I want to remind you that sex has been given by God to the married couple only. If you’ll read the Bible about sex, you’ll learn that sex is not for non-married couple. Sex outside the marriage is considered sin and immoral.

And I want to tell you also that most of the non-married couple do not enjoy sex, because they’re psychologically disturbed. Below is the list of factors which can disturb the sexual activity of non-married couple.

  1. Afraid that what they did will result to unwanted pregnancy.
  2. Worries on what will the male do after it.
  3. Worries on what his family do to them if she’ll get pregnant.
  4. Worries on what will their neighbors think if they’ll know what they’re doing.
  5. Worries… worries… worries…

That’s the reason why most of the non-married females who engaged sex with their bfs became slimmer or thinner and experienced difficulty to sleep (So, I am giving you hint on how to identify those girls who engage sex with their bfs).

So, now if you really want to enjoy sex, then you must marry first.

Rhythm Method of Birth Control – SELaplana

Actually, I am not yet married and I am not an expert on sex, sexuality and Birth Control. But I need to tackle this subject because someone emailed me asking me to discuss Rhythm Method of Birth Control on this blog.

What is Rhythm Method?

Unlike other ways of controlling birth, rhythm method doesn’t use any artificial devices. It is actually considered as the Natural Way of birth control in which the couple withhold sex during unsafe days.

The term unsafe days refers to the days which are assumed as the fertile period of the female based on her ovulation period.
How to determine ovulation period?

It is not actually accurate to predict ovulation. But commonly for a 28 menstrual cycle, on the 14th day from the first day of menstruation, the ovulation occur. However just to be safe, we will assume that the ovulation days will occur on the 14th to 18th day from the first day of menstruation.

But then we all know that the sperm cells of male live up to three days while the egg cell of female live up to two days. So, we should add three days before and two days after the expected dates of ovulation to determine the fertile period. In other words, couple should avoid sexual intercourse during the 11th up to 20th day from the first day or menstruation.

But I just want to remind you that this method is not really effective way of controlling birth. I suggest, you better use the artificial way of family planning.